Well it seems what i feared most is actually true. The life I've been living was led by my fears, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of rejection. I made a mistake, an insignificant one and now I got a slap, a wake up call. I delayed a trivial thing but when I was hard pressed I finally did it and told the person who told me of it..... I had done it recently when I claimed i did it days ago.
Right now I feel i've ruined everything. I deceived a person I considered a friend and now I am paying for it. "Honor is lost just once", may turn out to be a true quote, for I lost mine with my friend. While after doing that not many might believe I feel bad about it, I really do. I feel torn inside, broken. I lost my own gambit, but I suppose I deserved it.
As for the false life, I have tried what perhaps not many have done. Making themselves liked at any cost by everyone, it's what I tried. Liked, loved, I suppose it points to my own fear of rejection and loneliness leading to vain actions. It makes me feel like i've betrayed myself, my true self which is lost somewhere in ... there, in the deepest recesses of my mind. Will I ever find my real self, I certainly hope so, for I must start knowing myself and stopping making silly mistakes, minor mistakes.
From now on it will be planning to a degree, mixing emotions which always led my life with careful planning. Maybe this way things will improve. The first thing I must improve is myself, my mind....
I WILL MAKE them like me for who I am deep inside and I hope they will like my true self who is lost somewhere down in a deep well of raging emotions, a maelstrom that lashes around it and leads me into hasted decisions.
The time for a change has come. The time for Change has come.
