Thoughts about myself and others

Well here I am again, posting another one.....

Honestly I do think my life is going down the drain. Here I am working my butt, supporting three others but I see no sign of appreciation, no signs of gratitude. I've reached the situation where I never have money for my own needs, for my hobbies, my pleasures. I think I am growing tired of this and now.... now i find myself restricted by responsabilities from meeting my friends.

Once again I will be left alone, left with my own self to talk to, my own ideas never written down or acted upon. I assume I do lack the will to change anything, that each day I break more and more apart with my true self and to my shame after nearly thirty years of life I do not know myself at all. I was chained for as long as I lived to one thing or person.... or even group of people, I attempted to please the others in order to gain acceptance. Somewhat it feels wrong, but other times it feels like the logical thing to do....

I am not sure of myself anymore, I feel like crying out for help to a deaf world who will only mock me. Perhaps I should lash out and bring it all down, perhaps causing others some degree of suffering would alleviate mine, I do not know.

Fear, was the driving emotion for me, fear of rejection, of hostility towards me, a healthy dose of fear which makes me paranoid.

For once I admit I need help, a guiding hand to lead me out of it, for I alone cannot. I am unable to break free of my chains....

My own fears.

Well it seems what i feared most is actually true. The life I've been living was led by my fears, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of rejection. I made a mistake, an insignificant one and now I got a slap, a wake up call. I delayed a trivial thing but when I was hard pressed I finally did it and told the person who told me of it..... I had done it recently when I claimed i did it days ago.

Right now I feel i've ruined everything. I deceived a person I considered a friend and now I am paying for it. "Honor is lost just once", may turn out to be a true quote, for I lost mine with my friend.  While after doing that not many might believe I feel bad about it, I really do. I feel torn inside, broken. I lost my own gambit, but I suppose I deserved it.

As for the false life, I have tried what perhaps not many have done. Making themselves liked at any cost by everyone, it's what I tried. Liked, loved, I suppose it points to my own fear of rejection and loneliness leading to vain actions. It makes me feel like i've betrayed myself, my true self which is lost somewhere in ... there, in the deepest recesses of my mind. Will I ever find my real self, I certainly hope so, for I must start knowing myself and stopping making silly mistakes, minor mistakes.

From now on it will be planning to a degree, mixing emotions which always led my life with careful planning. Maybe this way things will improve. The first thing I must improve is myself, my mind....

I WILL MAKE them like me for who I am deep inside and I hope they will like my true self who is lost somewhere down in a deep well of raging emotions, a maelstrom that lashes around it and leads me into hasted decisions.

The time for a change has come. The time for Change has come.