Well here I am again, posting another one.....
Honestly I do think my life is going down the drain. Here I am working my butt, supporting three others but I see no sign of appreciation, no signs of gratitude. I've reached the situation where I never have money for my own needs, for my hobbies, my pleasures. I think I am growing tired of this and now.... now i find myself restricted by responsabilities from meeting my friends.
Once again I will be left alone, left with my own self to talk to, my own ideas never written down or acted upon. I assume I do lack the will to change anything, that each day I break more and more apart with my true self and to my shame after nearly thirty years of life I do not know myself at all. I was chained for as long as I lived to one thing or person.... or even group of people, I attempted to please the others in order to gain acceptance. Somewhat it feels wrong, but other times it feels like the logical thing to do....
I am not sure of myself anymore, I feel like crying out for help to a deaf world who will only mock me. Perhaps I should lash out and bring it all down, perhaps causing others some degree of suffering would alleviate mine, I do not know.
Fear, was the driving emotion for me, fear of rejection, of hostility towards me, a healthy dose of fear which makes me paranoid.
For once I admit I need help, a guiding hand to lead me out of it, for I alone cannot. I am unable to break free of my chains....
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